I’m surrounded by darkness. Enemies wait patiently, lurking until an opportunity arises for them to strike. I can’t stay strong all the time and sometimes it’s me who invites the enemies. In my moments of self-deprecation, I want them to lead me away. Even though I’m aware that I’m sinking deeper inside myself, I embrace what eventually will lead to more pain.
In the rare moment that I grasp onto the pure light, which keeps the enemies at bay, the darkness is still there, but it has now lost some of its venom. This is not because the pure light lacks the power to extinguish the darkness – it is me who is lacking. I have little faith, a brittle strength of will and I can be my own worst enemy.
The loneliness is like an empty vase – unused, unnoticed, and forgotten, but at times it is a close companion. It allows me to focus on what is important to me and it reveals the only true friend that one has in this world – the infinite one. I wished this understanding came to me more than in just fleeting moments, where I’m in such a bad state that I just surrender.
It feels like I need some emotional release – emotions continue to populate inside of me and I carry them around, like a weight around my neck. Yet nobody sees this, they probably don’t suspect it. I’m dying inside like a flower that receives no sunlight or water. The pure light, which has no name, keeps me sustained, I don’t know why. All living things are on this earth for a reason and a purpose. But what use am I? What could someone as broken as me possibly contribute? I guess some things are beyond our understanding, and instead of questioning I need to dig deep and keep faith.